1255 的小日子

總是在凌晨睡不著的時候才會過來這裡哈拉 好久沒用華語寫了 是有點懷念

睡不著 拉了那本小日子出來看看 剛剛去廚房煮水 貪吃地拿了雪櫃力的香草冰淇淋吃了幾口 想說有時就是想要一些甜的東西 無論是給味覺還是視覺還是感覺 都是一樣的

再多幾天就考完試 放假了 迫不及待 這一年來也忙了很久 二月開始上課 除了小假期最長的假期就是六月份的那一個星期 那麼久 我也累了 這麼一想想 很多事情在這一年裡變了不少 從國外回來 離開了一些人 一些人離開了 傷心的也過了 開心的也過了 日子一天一天就這樣過了

麻木的生活比什麼都可怕 麻木的生活讓你忘記了熱情夢想初衷讓你累讓你累得什麼都不想做 那是最恐怖的 謝謝小日子我最愛的台灣雜誌 白色頁面黑色字體卻把色彩繽紛的夢想描述地淋漓盡致 這一期我看的是名宿的故事 讓我不禁想起我之前也想要開名宿 什麼時候忘了我都忘了

其實生活很累的 至少現在的我很累 我知道自己討厭不自由 所以現在我覺得很累吧 很想離開了 書讀了那麼多 喔幹 不懂的東西比我讀的書還來得多 姐也是累了 讀醫真累呢

對這是憂鬱文 把腦海裡煩人的文字寫下來後希望就不煩了啦 假期要來了 要開心一點

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1.11am

Lysine asked me to write. Might help, you know. I told her its fine, I have nothing to write. But here I am…

Few more weeks to finish the first half of my fourth year medical school. I can feel myself suffocated in this deep sea of knowledge that I need to know, get stuck in between the vicious cycle of wake up, do work and sleep. I do not know which one more exhausting, the endless workload or the days.

I hate myself when I do not see the meaning of struggle, when the road ahead is blurred and I can’t see the goal. There are many people around me who set up really good example for me to learn. I appreciate them, I love hearing stories from them as much as I love sharing mine. But, some days.. I am just exhausted. Something is eating you up and one day you are just like… nahhh screw this I do not want to do this anymore.

But but but… I am picking myself up and will make sure I pull through these few weeks and ta da! holiday!!!!

1.02am

1.02am 20th November 2017 dark (I mean, it’s dark outside how am I supposed to know what’s the weather like)

with a fast beating heart, partially hangover body, I decided to watch some OSCE video before I burn the very last bit of energy, and wear myself off to sleep. Oh, FYI, I was having “fancy dinner” just now with my great friends. Anyway, I was watching OSCE but boredom striked and so I decided to on Facebook. Then I saw this friend from TLC posted her blog. So I went to read, and hence here am I, writing.

I’ve been wanting to write for the past few weeks but as you know, I’m a very lazy person. Well, thanks to alcohol and boredom, I am finally writing. And I love the feeling of me myself writing. Please don’t judge my grammar or whatever shit here. No one wants your opinion (insert- Lily Allen’s fuck you) unless I ask. Hahahaha

ehem, anyway, so I just had a great fancy dinner with friends. The idea was double date + 1 but it ended up as double date + 3. Hahaha well, I had lots of fun. I got a nice table cloth, nice food (I guess?), some beer and Mimosa, nice desserts, good lighting, chill background music, and most importantly, a Nintendo switch. Hahahaha we talked, we played, we ate and drank, we happy. I was this close to ask everyone to hold their hands and give thanks to God for such a great night.

Lately, I realized I am a terrible person. Maybe I should have realized it earlier. Well, better late than never isn’t it? Haih.. I have really really really bad temper. I love throwing tantrum on people whom I love. I’m sorry. I’m just like my dad. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to be like him. I hate myself for being impatient and rude to people around me. I swear to God, I hate it but I just can’t help it. Damn. However, I seek help from God. I hope one day, He will make me a better person. I’m trying to be better everyday, He will definitely help me.

also, I think I need to love people more. I’m sorry people. I’m sorry if you think I have done you wrong. Whoever that is, whatever that is, whenever that is. I’m worry. I’m improving myself and I hope one day I can compensate for the wrong things that I have done to you all.

 

1.20am I need to sleep. My Asian liver just can’t handle alcohol well. Damn son. Bye. Thanks for stopping by. I love you, I mean it, I know who you are. God bless. Have a great week ahead.

 

 

Tripp Lake Camp

I finally finished my 2017 summer camp working as a support staff!!! 

I came here with no expectation. Then, I found out the job was so boring so I complaint and complaint. But at the end of the day, I have met some amazing friends (especially polish!), learnt some life lessons and discover myself more.
It took me a while to teach myself how to appreciate the little things in my own life rather than peeking over to other’s life thinking theirs is better. This reminds me of how when my mom cooked my sister and I two bowls of “Maggie mee”, I will always be in dilemma choosing and no matter which bowl I chose, I will always regret I chose the one with less noodle. But, there is actually no difference. Both of us still get our stomaches filled up. I know I always life to food but hey isn’t this true? No? 

Anyway, I always compare myself with others no matter under what circumstances. I always think that others always get something better and they are always so lucky. It stresses me out so much but I can’t help it. I just kept on doing it and doing it until I realise an important theory. 

I failed to understand the fact that there is millions of people in this world. And so, there must be millions way of life. There is literally no point on comparing my life with others because it is just not working that way. I am gonna use another example of food. Don’t ask me pizza is better or the Chinese takeaway is more delicious. I mean both of them are food but you just can’t compare. 

And after that, I come to the second step to stop myself comparing with others – I discover who I really am, what is my life purpose, where am I now and where do I want to go. It’s just so useful that after I have answers for these questions, I no longer blindly follow whatever others are doing. It’s just like I know I’m going to eat Chinese (FYI, I really like Chinese food), so go get your pizza if you want even if it’s delicious too but I don’t want pizza. 

Tripp Lake Camp taught me these because I’m stuck in a boring routine. It might not be boring for others but I know I don’t like it. I prefer a challenging job (Shout out to shady oaks camp!!!) eventhough I was complaining and a rewarding job. For all the days that I was doing nothing, I know that I couldn’t let my time goes to waste, so I create opportunity for myself and finally I pushed myself to start something that I always wanted to do but I never thought I could start doing. 

This camp gave me so much energy, but via a different way. This let me know that you don’t always learn from a positive situation. You could also learn from a place that you thought you are stuck. 

Remember, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. 

Cheers, Tripp Lake. 

如果說這個夏天教會了我一件事 我會說 — 如何慢活

在這裡我看見了很多人連自理的基本能力都沒有 卻依然樂觀過活 他們過著和我們很不一樣的生活 他們的腦裡有我參不透的思緒 他們用著很不一樣的方式表達自己 很多時候我不明白 

我不去探討人生意義 我也不想爭論為什麼如果我未來的孩子是這樣我會怎樣 這些太沒有答案的問題 只會讓我頭痛

這接近兩個月的時間 我不想白白會去 我也不想她在我人生只留下回憶 我希望她為我的生活帶來變化 

如果說挑戰自己 我覺得自己做到了 我從來不知道我一天可以工作12個小時 也不知道我可以在肩膀很痛很痛的時候還能繼續工作 不知道我可以從晚上八點工作到隔天早上 不知道我可以幫別人沖涼換尿布被口水噴滿身 

我希望自己能夠培養另外一種生活方式 慢慢地活 喜歡自己的生活 不為了什麼 只為了自己 多放下電話 過得健康快樂 愛自己的家人朋友 多閱讀自己喜歡的文青書籍 喝自己愛喝的茶 聽自己愛聽的音樂 多把自己的生活寫下來讓自己知道自己喜歡的是什麼 

對大多數的camper而言 親手把食物放進嘴巴都是一種奢侈 甚至有些連喝一杯水 都必須加thickener以免被哽到 

現在的我很知足因為我知道我擁有的實在是太多 我不想要忘記現在的我所以我選擇紀錄下來 

我希望未來的我記得現在的我 

從Golden’s家回來的路上 我坐在他車後吹著冷風看著星空 有些事情必須親身感覺 無法用相機記錄下來的人 相機是一種工具卻不是全部 我希望未來的我能夠更聆聽自己內心的聲音 知道自己要的是什麼 不需要去理會別人的眼光 因為不管你做什麼 別人都會在背後說你 可是那不重要 因為獅子從來不聽取綿羊的意見 

我知道現在的自己在做什麼 我也知道未來的我想要做什麼 就讓上帝繼續帶領我吧 

活著

很多人看了我寫的東西後 都告訴我他們喜歡我的文字 覺得很真實很暖心 其實 這也不過是我把腦海中那些林林總總的情緒實體化 而這些想法每個人都有

我發現我都只會在傷心後 煩惱後 才把文字寫下 也許這樣 我才能放下一些東西 

我才能 活著

朋友常說我假文青 哈哈 我不會說我是真文青 可是我算是一半的文青吧 我不是常常用過於氾濫的感情為我的生命戲劇化 只是戲劇化的生命讓我不得不氾濫我的感情

有一個朋友說 but words are cheap 

我沉思很久 她是對的 

文字 是很廉價的 因為說很容易 活著很難

我排著隊 打著字 等待著前往London Heathrow的班機 

旅行中的等待總是讓我想很多 讓我想未來 讓我想過去 讓我想現在 

至於我這篇文章的重點是什麼 我還沒想到 (笑)

也許寫寫一些想對自己說的話吧 

我想告訴自己 這個世界沒有所謂的人生勝利組 

每個人最終輸於 身體機能衰竭 醫生也救不了你

如果現在的我 因為朋友常笑說我假文青 而不繼續拍美美的照片 而不繼續寫寫這些文字 那我想 我愧對於上帝吧

最近有一位朋友憑空消失,我很傷心失望。

 我和另一位朋友說:我都不知道為什麼我要那麼努力去維持這一段友情

她說:這樣你才不會後悔 你才不會怪自己沒有盡力過

沒錯

敢愛敢恨 就是這個原理吧

活著,就是不要為了要死的時候怪自己沒有活過。

一篇關於瑞士的故事

春天午後的火車穿梭於綠色的森林,白色的雪山還有翠綠的小河之間。除了火車和鐵軌磨擦還有時而的鳴笛,五月中的瑞士基本上是很安靜的。
安靜得讓我陷入思緒的漩渦。
路上的旅人形形色色背著不同的包裹。

是什麼帶他們到這裡又是什麼把他們帶走
就好像
有時候在生活中我會不明白為什麼有些人要這樣做要那樣做

我不明白為什麼有些人性格那麼古怪有些人有這樣的癖好
其實想了想 他們就和旅人一樣 每個人身上背著不同的包裹 有著不同的壓力 

我的家裡住著8個人 每個人每天看似開心 總是在廚房開玩笑說廢話 笑一笑又一天 但是各自回到房間後也許又是各自的世界 每個人除了當一個學生 在家裡卻扮演著不同的角色 
生活中8個人難免有摩擦 手指指著對方互相責罵時 殊不知背後是一個又一個受傷的靈魂 回到房間卸下保護自己的裝甲 剩下的也許是一滴一滴的眼淚
人們總是自私的保護自己 就好像保護自己是理所當然 當我們覺得自己被傷害時 很敏感地就把自己的城牆建起來 有時甚至用傷害人來作為維持自己自尊的一種方法 認為只要傷害別人自己就贏了 卻永遠贏不了躲在牆角哭的自己
我相信 沒有人會捨得去傷害別人 也許我們不需要去明白為什麼一個人會做出這樣的事 只要接受就好了 接受他們是這樣的一個人 我想事情會變得很簡單

21

21歲 你想成為怎樣的人?

我從來不是能夠在台上發光發熱的人 也從來對未來沒有什麼大志

沒有想開大醫院的志願 雖然想賺很多錢 但也不知道自己是否有那個能力。

沒有想拿GPA 4.2的決心,雖然希望自己的努力會有回報,但卻因為那有限制的腦袋,能夠拿到不錯的成績也心滿意足了。

沒有想要成為學校大紅人的念頭,因為明白facebook上你照片的like實在不代表什麼,可是卻很喜歡用心交朋友,因為喜歡聽別人的故事也喜歡說自己的故事。

沒有一定要成家生孩子的計畫,雖然也希望會有一個人在家等你回家和你一起煮飯看電影發呆,可是還沒遇上對的人也覺得21歲是一個太早settle down的年齡。

對生命抱持著一種 ‘有則有,無則無,無須強求’ 的心態,我覺得我的生命目前是算蠻幸福的。

家人嘛,雖然一年大概只有那麼幾天的時間能夠一家人一起吃頓飯,可是我卻很心滿意足。

爸爸呢,和以前比起來,現在的關係算是好得不得了。

媽媽呢,反而來到那麼遠讀書,能聊的東西反而更多,說的話也變多了。

姊姊呢,她一直以來都疼我這是一定的,只是我每次都扮酷,沒把感動放在臉上。

哥哥和大嫂呢,多謝他們生了那麼可愛的寶寶們陪我玩,萌死人不償命是他們的特徵啊。

朋友呢,呃,這要從很多層面開始說起

我的閨蜜第一,唉,不提名字大家也都知道會是妳啦,謝謝你那麼多年來真的是受了我很多氣,你是我成長中最最最最重要的人,不只是妳,還有你的家人。我知道大人們的世界很複雜,可是,不管發生什麼事,你們永遠是我的第二個家。

我的閨蜜第二,你知道的,是妳,是妳,對,是妳。謝謝總是有雙耳朵會去聆聽,總是很想和我分享生命中的小細節,我知道你很喜歡讀我的字就好像我很喜歡聽你唱的歌一樣。

我人生還有很多對我很好的朋友,有些像個癲婆,有些很喜歡和我談人生,有些喜歡和我運動,有些事在教堂遇見的靈修夥伴,有些是很喜歡和我吃東西。

這些這些人都對我很好,所以也讓我成為一個很想對人好的人。

在為神做工時,在生活上,無論在任何層面,我希望我真的能夠成為默默付出的人。

因為在我心目中,真正的英雄永遠不是電影裡的主角,真正的英雄永遠是那些默默做工不期待回報的人。

這讓我想起教堂裡總是默默地在廚房裡煮飯不計較骯髒不嫌累的那位aunty。我希望有一天我能夠成為一個能夠不計較骯髒真正能夠愛人的人。這也是我正在努力的事情。

這是我想成為的人。

21歲,我希望我能夠有足夠的愛心去愛人。

21歲,我希望我能夠有更多的能力和時間去為其他人付出。

21歲,我希望我能夠更成熟地去處理我的心情和情緒。

但是!人最容易忘記的東西就是自己說過的話。

所以!我就把我21歲的resolution寫下來,讓身邊的朋友們在我忘記初衷的時候提醒我。

 

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這些都是讓我成為更好的人的人。

遇見他們,真的是一件很幸福的事。

感謝神

 

21 歲,我要更愛妍燕和欣穎。

謝謝大家。

^ 這兩句怎樣看都覺得不是我type的

 

 

 

 

Roses

“It’s the time that you lavished on your rose which makes your rose so important.”

“It is the time that I lavished in my rose ..” said the little prince, so as to be sure to remember.

So, I received a message this morning saying that the boss who owned my favourite Thai steamboat restaurant is diagnosed with stage 4 thymoma cancer. He has only few weeks left. 

I remember my friends and I always had our supper/dinner in his restaurant, rather than saying its a proper restaurant, it’s actually a house-renovated stalk, he served delicious Thai steamboat in which we preferably call it “mukatar”. We spent most of our bonding times before I left Malaysia there. I still remember my friend and I fought over the only left piece of meat on the stove. And we have to constantly switch our places because the ashes of the charcoal of the stove will blow in any God knows direction. And the taste of the sweet chilli still stimulating my tongue as I’m writing this blog right now. 

And his son, wife. I started to feel worried for them. But I couldn’t do anything. 
Perhaps this leads to the second lesson of 2016 : appreciate every single thing. 

I stumbled across those lines which I wrote in the beginning of my blog when I was reading The Little Prince. Hmm, however, I think it’s because the rose is important to Little Prince, that is only why he willing to spend time with the rose. There is also some thing that is in our life which is also important to us but we didn’t spend that much time with them, maybe not because of we do not want to, maybe is because of we couldn’t to. 
Everyone will leave us, at some point in our lives, is either now, or soon. It might sounds mediocre but I have to write it down to remind myself, or to remind anyone of you out there, that we should be contented with the amount of time that we spend with our friends/family/lover. In order to feel so, we have to appreciate every single thing that they have done to us. Let’s not look at the thing that they have pissed us off. Let’s not look at the thing they have against you. Let’s not hold grudges. Let’s love.
Note-to-self:
Love.

第22天

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一月的第22天 2016年的第22天

第一堂课:勇于接受那些你无法改变的事实
这一个月都在忙着旅行 从去年的12月到现在 前前后后去了6个国家 看了很多也想了很多
回来难得有时间也有想法就决定把这些想法写下来 除了想整理一下自己的思绪 也想让自己成长
今天最后一站在Belgium的Brussels,一个以啤酒,waffle,巧克力还有一个尿尿童而闻名的城市,第一天到的我很开心很喜欢那个城市的气氛
虽然下着雨但是我还是很开心地吃着又便宜又好吃的松饼 上面有着厚厚的wiping cream就像我当时的幸福一样 厚厚的。
三天后,我实在没想到我的心情会有那么大的反差。离开时我又吃了一篇松饼,上面不再有厚厚的wiping cream, 我只选择了薄薄一层的caremel, 就像一层薄薄的乌云覆盖了我的心情。
故事太复杂 我不知道从何说起 只想说说心情 让情绪有个出口
我很开心我上了大学 遇到一群很好很好的朋友 彼此有着不同的背景不同的性格却因为觉得遇见彼此都很幸福所以都选择互相包容互相理解
可是时间越久就会更爱大家就越依赖彼此 我就会越怕分开越怕改变 怕这个群组有着一些不好的改变
如果有人离开 我会很伤心 很伤心很伤心
会很希望离开的那个人不会是那个对我很重要的人 因为我接受不到
因为接受不到所以我竟然在Brussels的教堂外哭了出来 哦干
因为接受不到所以同一个问题我问了她很多很多次很多很多次 真的希望她就像平时逗我开我玩笑一样告诉我 :“I am just teasing you, Lu Yian”
当下真的觉得很伤心 觉得有点接受不到
可是冷静了下来 其实发现 我能做的又是什么呢
我知道有些人在我生命中只是过客,可是我还是会为了这个过客的插肩而过感到伤心
我知道人生中有很多事情是我无法控制,可是我还是会因为生命中少了一个人而感到伤心
我知道每个人在某一个时间点都会离开我,可是我还是会因为她太快选择离开而感到伤心
好啦,伤心完了就该选择接受。
接受吧,上帝自有安排。
2016年第一堂课程 ☑️:60%RKRK9708
🙂